When Sunshine Turns Sour: The Downside of ‘Good Vibes Only’
By: Piper Jewell
Imagine receiving a high-five from a neighbour while your house is on fire. Sounds ridiculous, right?
Welcome to the world of toxic positivity, where a relentless focus on ‘good vibes only’ can actually do more harm than good. Join us as we explore how this mindset can sometimes result in the opposite of what we intend, and why it’s important to acknowledge all our emotions.
What is toxic positivity?
So, what is toxic positivity besides a confusing oxymoron? Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state in any situation, often at the expense of true emotional authenticity. Now, what is emotional authenticity? Simply stated, it’s being true to yourself and your emotions, fully. It’s allowing yourself to feel good, while also allowing yourself that same amount of space to feel bad. In other words, toxic positivity can be characterized by an excessive emphasis on positive thinking that invalidates authentic human emotional experiences (Lomas et al, 2020).
So, does that mean “looking at the bright side of things” is harmful to yourself and others? Not necessarily. There is a fine line. In fact, toxic positivity often manifests through well-intentioned behaviour or phrases that unintentionally undermine the complexity of human emotion. People aren’t trying to be toxic, they are trying to be positive.
One of the ways I better understood toxic positivity was through silly examples of how it works. Putting a bandaid on a broken limb, for example. Sure, it looks cute, but it doesn’t really help anything. Telling yourself “It could be worse” because, in theory, it could be, but that doesn’t make your situation any better. These examples illustrate how toxic positivity can oversimplify and invalidate genuine emotional experiences, which in turn, can lead to some pretty harmful things.
When you are made to believe that you should always be positive, you may experience shame for having negative emotions.
No one likes to feel shame, and that may be one reason why individuals steer towards toxic positivity as a coping mechanism. When people are made to believe that they should always be positive, they may experience shame for having negative emotions, which can result in decreased self-esteem and cycles of negative self-judgement (Kross et al., 2011) and on a lack of self-awareness and illiteracy around their real emotions.
When people are made to believe that they should always be positive, and feel shameful when they feel negative emotions, what are they likely to do? Suppress them. Emotional suppression has been shown to increase psychological stress and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression (Gross & Levenson, 1997; Gross, 2002). So, in essence, when people are made to believe that they should always be positive, they inadvertently create a cycle of emotional suppression and heightened psychological distress, ultimately worsening their mental health instead of improving it.
Realistic Optimism
While it is beneficial to maintain a positive outlook, it is equally important to be realistic. Let’s talk about realistic optimism. Realistic optimism involves recognizing and accepting negative emotions while choosing to focus on positive aspects and solutions. It is grounded in the present reality and is based on facts (Seligman, 2006). With toxic positivity, there is an avoidance of negative emotions, a refusal to feel them, and a high-five in a house fire. With realistic optimism, there is an acknowledgement of negative emotions in/and difficult situations, while still maintaining a hopeful and proactive outlook – a hug in a house fire.
If you’ve found yourself caught in the cycle of toxic positivity, know that you’re not alone. It’s a common coping mechanism, driven by a desire to feel good and avoid pain. However, by validating and embracing all your emotions, both positive and negative, you can cultivate a more balanced and healthy mindset.
Remember, it’s okay to not be okay all the time. Embracing this truth can free you from the cycle of emotional suppression and lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
How to deal with Toxic Positivity?
If you or someone you know is struggling with toxic positivity or other mental health concerns, consider seeking support. At Conscientia Counselling, our psychologists in Calgary are ready to assist you in exploring your emotions and embracing a more balanced approach to mental health. Connect with us today to schedule your FREE 30-minute consultation and take the first step towards a healthier, more authentic you.
References
Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95-103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.106.1.95
Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291. https://doi.org/10.1017.S0048577201393198
Kross, E., Ayduk, O., & Mischel, W. (2011). When asking “why” does not hurt: Distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 22(6), 709-715. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611405679
Lomas, T., Waters, L., Williams, P., Oades, L., & Kern, M. L. (2020). Third wave positive psychology: Broadening towards complexity. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 16(5), 660-674. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2020.1805501
Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Vintage Books.
