How Do I Know If I’m in a Toxic Relationship?

The term “toxic relationship” has become a buzzword, but at its core, it just means an unhealthy relationship. If you’re asking yourself this question, there’s a good chance you’re already in one. The very act of questioning means you’re halfway to healing. But the hardest part is often getting out.

Our minds are wired to focus on the negative. That means even destructive relationships can feel like the ultimate expression of love and passion. Many people never even ask the question – or ask it far too late, when the relationship is already over and the emotional, mental, physical, and sometimes even financial damage is already done. That’s the biggest danger: staying too long in a toxic dynamic slowly breaks you down on every level. Even just a week of emotional rollercoasters and manipulation can take months to recover from. So imagine the damage after a year or more – it’s huge.

A common thought in a toxic relationship is: We love each other – why can’t we just stop hurting each other and make this work? Can’t we fix it? Unfortunately, the short answer is usually no. Toxic relationships are almost always doomed. The keyword here is almost – a very small number of couples do manage to recognize the dysfunction and commit to therapy. Maybe you believe you’re in that small group. But if nothing changes – or if only one of you is willing to try – then sadly, you’re likely in the 99% who eventually break up.

So how do you actually know if you’re in a toxic relationship? It’s simple: you feel bad. And often, you can’t even explain why. That’s because you’re being held back by invisible emotional anchors. Your partner might be meeting one of your deepest needs – like intimacy. You might think, No one else makes me feel this way, or No one else’s hugs feel this safe. But while one part of you feels fulfilled, another is being deeply hurt – and you keep making excuses for it because you’re afraid of losing what little good there is.

You’d think it’d be easy: if you’re unhappy and things aren’t improving, just leave. But in reality, it’s incredibly hard. Toxic relationships are filled with emotional ups and downs and constant manipulation. That chaotic push and pull becomes addictive. Your brain floods with dopamine when things are good, and suddenly that person feels sacred – like the only one who matters. You end up willing to endure anything just to feel close to them again. That’s how your nervous system gets hijacked. Over time, the line between love and pain blurs, and you start to see the other person as your only source of relief – even as they’re causing your suffering.

In situations like these, working with a counselling psychologist Calgary residents trust can offer you clarity and help break the emotional cycle. Professional insight can be the difference between staying stuck and finally stepping toward healing.

Where Do Toxic Relationships Come From?

They don’t just appear out of nowhere. Behind them are usually deep-seated psychological issues and unhealthy patterns that were formed long before the relationship began.

1. Childhood Trauma and Family Dynamics
   Often, one or both partners grew up in homes where there was a lack of emotional safety or respect.
   – A child who was constantly criticized, ignored, or overly controlled may grow up thinking that kind of treatment is normal.
   – A child exposed to abuse or constant conflict may unconsciously repeat those dynamics later in life.
   👉 As a result, people may struggle with boundaries, fear expressing their feelings, or swing to the other extreme – being overly controlling or jealous.

    

2. Low Self-Esteem
   If someone doesn’t believe they’re worthy of love and respect, they may tolerate mistreatment and manipulation, terrified of losing even a harmful relationship.
   At the same time, a partner with narcissistic traits may be driven by deep insecurities, masking them with control, aggression, or belittlement.

    

3. Fear of Being Alone
   Some people fear loneliness so much that they’ll settle for anything – even emotional abuse – just to feel connected.
   Emotional dependency becomes like an addiction to the highs and lows – the warmth followed by rejection, the love followed by devaluation.

    

4. Idealization and Illusions
   Early in the relationship, one partner may project an ideal image onto the other. When reality doesn’t match, they make excuses: He’s just tired, or She’s acting this way because she cares.

    

5. Poor Communication and Conflict Skills
   Many people simply don’t know how to argue in healthy ways. They don’t know how to express anger safely, how to talk about emotions without blame, or how to resolve conflict without ultimatums, stonewalling, or rage. Couples who want to break these patterns often benefit from professional support, such as couples therapy in Calgary, Ab which can offer tools to rebuild connection and communication.

    

6. Unhealed Wounds from Past Relationships
   Even if none of the above apply, prolonged exposure to toxic dynamics – especially in multiple relationships – can warp a person’s perception of love.
   Healthy patterns formed in childhood can be eroded over time. The good news? These patterns can be re-learned. But often, professional help is needed to reset them.

    

What’s the Best Way to Leave?

Realizing you’re in a toxic relationship is a huge milestone. But walking away is an entirely different battle. It’s not just “breaking up.” It’s an emotional process that requires preparation, strength, and support. Here’s how to do it as safely and mindfully as possible:

1. Prepare Emotionally
   Leaving doesn’t usually happen on impulse – it builds over time. Fear, guilt, and anxiety are normal. These feelings come from emotional dependency. Let yourself feel them without shame. Tell yourself: This is hard, but I’m choosing myself.

    

2. Build a Support System
   Don’t do this alone. Lean on trusted friends, family, online communities, or a therapist. You need someone who can support you when you’re tempted to go back. Ideally, find a therapist who can help you sort through your thoughts and emotions. Having that professional support can make all the difference.

    

3. Create an Exit Plan
   If the relationship includes emotional or physical abuse, don’t leave impulsively. Think through the logistics:
   – Where will you stay?
   – Do you have financial stability?
   – Do you need to change passwords, block numbers, or delete social media?
   – Are there any safety concerns? (If yes, reach out to crisis support services.)
   The more thought-out your plan is, the less likely you’ll be pulled back in. Finances are often a major barrier. This isn’t just a woman’s issue – men go through it too.

    

4. Cut Contact
   This is usually the hardest part. You may feel the need to explain, find closure, or even stay friends. But that keeps you stuck. Every text or call is a doorway back into the chaos. Especially when there’s emotional addiction, staying in touch is like relapsing.
   ⚠️ Go “no contact” if possible – no calls, no texts, no social media stalking, and no updates through mutual friends.

    

5. Give Yourself Time to Grieve
   Even a harmful relationship represents a loss – of a person, of dreams, of a shared future. It’s okay to mourn that. Let yourself cry, get angry, journal – whatever you need to do to process it. Healing can take time, sometimes even years. Don’t rush it.

    

6. Focus on Self-Care
   After the relationship ends, there will be emotional space. Fill it with things that nourish you. Reconnect with who you were before the relationship. Rediscover hobbies, try new things, spend time with people who lift you up. Book therapy, go to yoga, meet friends you’ve missed. Rebuilding your inner support system is key.

    

7. Let Go of the Shame
   Yes, maybe you forgave too much. Maybe you stayed too long or kept going back. That’s okay. It was part of your journey. You’re learning. You’re growing. And you’re stronger now. Every step you’ve taken is part of your healing.

    

Final Thoughts

A toxic relationship isn’t a life sentence – it’s a wake-up call. It’s your chance to pause, reflect, and finally hear what your soul has been trying to say. Sometimes it’s the pain that pushes us to finally transform. And remember: real love doesn’t hurt. Real love empowers, supports, and heals. Walking away from pain isn’t weakness – it’s the deepest kind of strength.

You deserve that kind of love. And more importantly, you deserve to give it to yourself.