Did you know that, on average, couples wait about six years after the onset of a problem before seeking help? Relationship challenges—whether with a partner, family, friends, or colleagues—can significantly impact mental well-being. A psychologist can provide valuable tools for improving communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation, fostering healthier connections (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

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What Are Personal Boundaries?

Written by Kristi Eberhardt

Personal Boundaries. What are they? What do they mean? The term “boundary” is a hot word these days. We hear about boundaries in self-help books, on our favourite podcasts, and in conversations, whether at work, home, or in day-to-day life. But what is a boundary, and how does it apply to us? How do we identify and set them?

As per the Counselling Dictionary (Gladding, 2018), boundaries are the factors, both physical and/or psychological, that organize people and separate us from one another.

Personal boundaries help us define ourselves and identify what is acceptable and unacceptable based on our inner workings. They provide a framework for what is tolerated and how one navigates through their reality. Individuals with established boundaries can clearly define their limitations and reflect a sense of integrity and stability when interacting with the world (Chernata, 2024).

While identifying a boundary is one element, enacting it is another.

Why Are Personal Boundaries Important?

Setting a personal boundary is the process of creating separation between oneself and others psychologically to maximize functioning and development (Gladding, 2018).

When a boundary is identified, it is affirmed by how we respond to behaviours and interpersonal situations. Boundaries require a level of assertiveness and self-advocacy.

When attempting to maintain a balance between personal needs and the wishes of others, assertive behaviour allows us to express our thoughts, needs, and feelings openly and honestly, and without aggression (Chernata, 2024). While this can often be uncomfortable, it is an act of service to oneself and helps preserve the relationship to self.

Establishing and upholding personal boundaries can solidify one’s sense of independence and self-determination, positively impacting confidence, resilience, and overall mood (Aravind et al., 2012).

How to Identify Your Boundaries

“How do I know what my boundaries are?” Before we can begin to enact a boundary, we first need to identify them.

Spend some time paying attention to your body. If you say yes when asked to do something but know you don’t have the time, how does it feel?

• Does your stomach get tight?
• Do you feel your shoulders rising to your ears?
• Does your nose scrunch, and do your lips purse?

Listen and look for signs when your body is communicating with you. Our bodies consistently give us messages and provide information, even when we haven’t consciously realized it. Pay attention to physical sensations, arising thoughts, elicited behaviours, or shifts in mood—you are the expert of you!

How to Set and Maintain Personal Boundaries for a Healthier Life

So, what are some ways to set boundaries, and what can they look like?

Think about boundaries as a way to advocate for yourself. Boundaries are a way to say “yes” to your own needs rather than being seen as a “no” to someone else.

Common personal boundaries can include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, temporal, and intellectual. Using boundary-setting statements can help you convey where your line is and what you are willing or not willing to do.

While setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, know you are building trust and reliability within yourself each time you say “yes” to yourself. Once you gain familiarity with identifying and setting boundaries, it’ll become easier as you go!

Examples of Personal Boundary-Setting Statements

Below are some examples of ways to enact your boundaries:

• “Thank you for the invitation; I’d really like to spend time with you, but this week doesn’t work for me. Can we set a time next week?”
• “I’ll need some time to think about it. I’ll get back to you.”
• “I’m not interested in going, but I hope you have fun!”
• “That’s a sensitive topic for me. Let’s chat about something else.”
• “I’d rather not get into that right now.”
• “I need some space from this. Can we please revisit this conversation at xx:xx?”
• “That sounds challenging for you, and I believe in your ability to find a solution that works for you.”
• “NO.”
• “I’m not comfortable with that.”
• “I won’t be able to financially pitch in; however, I could help set up for the event.”
• “I won’t be spoken to in that way.”
• “Let’s do high fives instead of hugs.”
• “I’d like to find something that works for both of us. Is there a place we can compromise?”

Final Thoughts: Honour Your Personal Boundaries

If you’re looking to improve your relationship with boundaries or want to explore what’s keeping you from honouring your limitations, connect with one of us at Conscientia Counseling in Calgary today to go deeper into your mental wellness journey. Boundaries are personal to you and are another way to show up for yourself. Get curious and lean in—you deserve it!

Book a free consultation today! 👉 Conscientia Counseling Booking

The post Let’s Talk About Boundaries, Baby! first appeared on Conscientia Counselling.

By: Piper Jewell

Imagine receiving a high-five from a neighbour while your house is on fire. Sounds ridiculous, right? 

Welcome to the world of toxic positivity, where a relentless focus on ‘good vibes only’ can actually do more harm than good. Join us as we explore how this mindset can sometimes result in the opposite of what we intend, and why it’s important to acknowledge all our emotions.

What is toxic positivity?

So, what is toxic positivity besides a confusing oxymoron? Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state in any situation, often at the expense of true emotional authenticity. Now, what is emotional authenticity? Simply stated, it’s being true to yourself and your emotions, fully. It’s allowing yourself to feel good, while also allowing yourself that same amount of space to feel bad. In other words, toxic positivity can be characterized by an excessive emphasis on positive thinking that invalidates authentic human emotional experiences (Lomas et al, 2020). 

So, does that mean “looking at the bright side of things” is harmful to yourself and others? Not necessarily. There is a fine line. In fact, toxic positivity often manifests through well-intentioned behaviour or phrases that unintentionally undermine the complexity of human emotion. People aren’t trying to be toxic, they are trying to be positive.

One of the ways I better understood toxic positivity was through silly examples of how it works. Putting a bandaid on a broken limb, for example. Sure, it looks cute, but it doesn’t really help anything. Telling yourself “It could be worse” because, in theory, it could be, but that doesn’t make your situation any better. These examples illustrate how toxic positivity can oversimplify and invalidate genuine emotional experiences, which in turn, can lead to some pretty harmful things. 

When you are made to believe that you should always be positive, you may experience shame for having negative emotions.

No one likes to feel shame, and that may be one reason why individuals steer towards toxic positivity as a coping mechanism. When people are made to believe that they should always be positive, they may experience shame for having negative emotions, which can result in decreased self-esteem and cycles of negative self-judgement (Kross et al., 2011) and on a lack of self-awareness and illiteracy around their real emotions.

When people are made to believe that they should always be positive, and feel shameful when they feel negative emotions, what are they likely to do? Suppress them. Emotional suppression has been shown to increase psychological stress and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression (Gross & Levenson, 1997; Gross, 2002). So, in essence, when people are made to believe that they should always be positive, they inadvertently create a cycle of emotional suppression and heightened psychological distress, ultimately worsening their mental health instead of improving it.

Realistic Optimism

While it is beneficial to maintain a positive outlook, it is equally important to be realistic. Let’s talk about realistic optimism. Realistic optimism involves recognizing and accepting negative emotions while choosing to focus on positive aspects and solutions. It is grounded in the present reality and is based on facts (Seligman, 2006). With toxic positivity, there is an avoidance of negative emotions, a refusal to feel them, and a high-five in a house fire. With realistic optimism, there is an acknowledgement of negative emotions in/and difficult situations, while still maintaining a hopeful and proactive outlook – a hug in a house fire. 

If you’ve found yourself caught in the cycle of toxic positivity, know that you’re not alone. It’s a common coping mechanism, driven by a desire to feel good and avoid pain. However, by validating and embracing all your emotions, both positive and negative, you can cultivate a more balanced and healthy mindset. 

Remember, it’s okay to not be okay all the time. Embracing this truth can free you from the cycle of emotional suppression and lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

How to deal with Toxic Positivity?

If you or someone you know is struggling with toxic positivity or other mental health concerns, consider seeking support. At Conscientia Counselling, our psychologists in Calgary are ready to assist you in exploring your emotions and embracing a more balanced approach to mental health. Connect with us today to schedule your FREE 30-minute consultation and take the first step towards a healthier, more authentic you.

References

Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95-103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.106.1.95

Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291. https://doi.org/10.1017.S0048577201393198

Kross, E., Ayduk, O., & Mischel, W. (2011). When asking “why” does not hurt: Distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 22(6), 709-715. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611405679

Lomas, T., Waters, L., Williams, P., Oades, L., & Kern, M. L. (2020). Third wave positive psychology: Broadening towards complexity. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 16(5), 660-674. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2020.1805501

Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Vintage Books.

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Written By Piper Jewell

Chances are, you’ve encountered the term “somatic” before, but might not fully grasp its meaning. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This word appears in contexts ranging from dance to medical science, but what do these seemingly different fields share? They both revolve around the profound connection with our bodies.

So, what is Somatic Release? In the realm of holistic health and wellness, somatic release is emerging as a powerful approach to healing trauma and chronic stress. This therapeutic technique focuses on the connection between the mind and body, aiming to release stored physical tension and emotional pain. You may be asking yourself – how does one know if they are storing tension and emotional pain? 

It all begins with establishing, or re-establishing, your mind and body connection. Understanding Somatic Release requires you to delve into how your body holds onto trauma, and how you can best, facilitate healing. Somatic release is based on the principle that your body and mind are intricately connected. So basically, when we experience trauma or prolonged stress, our bodies can store these experiences as physical tension or discomfort. 

This concept is rooted in the work of Dr. Peter Levine, who developed Somatic Experiencing (SE), which is a method to help individuals process and release trauma from their bodies. Furthermore, Levine’s approach suggests that trauma resides not just in our memories but also in our nervous systems and bodily tissues. 

I know that it may sound odd, but stay with me. Somatic release therapies often involve techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, gentle movement, and guided imagery. All things we have heard of or come across at one time or another. However, when implemented with intention,  these practices can increase bodily awareness and help individuals tune into areas where they might be holding tension.

The benefits of somatic release are manifold. By addressing the physical manifestations of stress and trauma, individuals often experience a greater sense of emotional and psychological well-being. Improved body awareness can lead to better stress management and enhanced resilience. But where does one begin? It is obviously not as simple as breathing. 

Understanding and healing your body’s response to stress is a journey best undertaken with support. At Conscientia, our team is ready to assist you in exploring the transformative power of somatic release. Connect with us to learn what holistic healing truly looks like and how it can improve every aspect of your life. Begin your path to wellness with Conscientia today by booking with one of our counsellors here. 

References

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

The post From Tension to Tranquillity-Somatic Release first appeared on Conscientia Counselling.

Arguing and conflicts are part of life. All couples will have arguments, but if they Argue Smart they are more likely be navigate these conflicts effectively and thoroughly. I believe most of us (individuals and couples) can benefit from seeing a counsellor at some point in our lives. I also know that many people (too many) do not see those benefits yet. Maybe they just don’t have the time or the resources to afford it. So for those who are struggling in a relationship and unable to get support, here is a post that could make a difference.

In 2016, The Gottman Institute wrote about how to make arguments worse, and what NOT to do. I loved the idea of pointing those out. I mean couples have conflicts no matter what, that’s what people do, especially when you share a life together. You will disagree and you will argue…you could, however, argue ‘smart’. I have been thinking about it for a while, so I got inspired to share some ideas and strategies to make arguments a bit more ‘efficient’ or ‘friendly’.

Note of caution: ALL couples ARE different, this is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.

Empathy

In healthy relationships, partners feel empathy, fondness and admiration for one another and Gottman cannot repeat this enough. Even Brené Brown talks about this in her book. If you think your relationship is lacking any of these, then those are your focus. You can do this using love maps, non-stressful conversations, etc (If you need more details on this, email me). When these are present, the focus of the argument is the problem instead of the problem being your partner.

Learn how to argue: Many believe that happy couples never argue or have disagreements. I cannot emphasize enough how wrong that perspective is. Every couple has differences and conflicts, happy couples just know how to sort through those differences. The goal is not to stop arguing. The goal is to learn to argue in a thoughtful manner. We need a space where we can safely share our needs and concerns. A space where our vulnerabilities are respected. Both parties should feel heard and more importantly without using any of the four horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Be aware of your own hangups

It is my experience in working with couples that rarely, the reason for the fight is the real reason for the fight. Most times, the reason for the fight hides in attachment patterns, emotional injuries, and even childhood traumas.
It might sound crazy but it is true. We all have hurts and experiences that mark us. If we are not aware of how those experiences are playing a role in our relationships, we are bound to repeat the patterns of behaviour that lead to the same arguments. They might hide behind a trivial issue that will make us bang our heads against the wall wondering “Why are we bickering about this?”

Are your partner’s actions remind you of something you experienced as a child? Is your partner triggering some unresolved issues for you? Freud said: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier and unexpected ways.” Is this what is happening with you and your partner? Do your arguments start because you feel hurt, uncomfortable, ‘invisible’, etc. but you are not sure why? If so…you might want to think about where it is actually coming from. It might have nothing to do with your partner or with your relationship.

Learn to separate arguments:

Many times when couples argue, they start quarrelling about one thing and move through a whole range of issues. It starts with a towel left on the ground, then it moves to how their children are disciplined and ends on last week when someone did not mention that they were coming home late. Does this happen to you? When you have a problem discuss that problem. Yes, sometimes, things are linked but try as hard as you can to address only the issue at hand. Call your partner on it: ‘Hun, let’s go back to the present topic. Can we talk about whatever else is bothering you right after? It is about not getting distracted. It is all about efficiency really.

Listen to Understand not to Respond

Sometimes we get caught up in ‘being right’ instead of reminding ourselves that the relationship is the priority. Needless to say, the first one does not generally have a happy ending. When you argue, are you waiting for your partner to finish talking so that you can bring your opinion forward? Instead of listening carefully to what your partner has to say, or trying to put yourself in her/his shoes, are you thinking about what you are going to say next? Believe me, it is more common than you think. We do it with our kids, with our parents, even at work sometimes. Improving our listening skills takes effort and awareness but it is so worth it. A quick Google search on ‘listening skills’ will offer you an array of strategies that could change the way you communicate with your partner and possibly your relationship.

‘Talk fair’

Bear with me…I am trying to use a play on the words ‘play fair’. Don’t shame, don’t use name-calling, don’t be offensive; basically don’t use vocabulary that could lead your partner to think that you believe she or he is a horrible/unlovable person. It might feel good in the moment but it will cause damage that could become irreparable in your relationship. I know it is hard to control what we say all the time but this is a good moment to use mom’s advice “If you do not have something nice to say…say nothing”. A good trick to avoid this is to address the behaviour rather than the person. For example instead of saying “you are so messy” try describing what you see “I just don’t like this mess”. It is less aggressive and it provides the other the possibility of changing the behaviour.

So…that’s pretty much it…

Oh no, wait, one last thing. Be very careful with blaming. When you blame your partner…are you protecting yourself from being seen…from your own mistakes or faults…for your involvement in or with the issue? Try putting the problem in front of you two rather than in between the two of you. Tackle it together; it might be uncomfortable but if you are both on the same page, it will increase intimacy and trust.

The post Argue Smart first appeared on Conscientia Counselling.

Hoy en día, sin embargo, no tenemos que preocuparnos de esas cosas (casi nunca) entonces hemos traducido ese nivel de preocupación a aspectos psicológicos y emocionales. ¿Cuál es el problema, se estará usted preguntando? Bueno es que cuando vivíamos en cavernas, era bien fácil comprobar si el peligro era real o imaginario, solo había que salir a ver si el animal estaba allí o si el glacial estaba en realidad bien cercano. Al confirmar, teníamos la posibilidad de reaccionar de manera apropiada, protegiéndonos o desmintiendo la teoría. Era fácil y rápido. Cuando se trata de interpretaciones emocionales y psicológicas la situación es un poco mas compleja. Nuestras “verdades” son tan ciertas para nosotros como nuestra existencia.

Hoy quiero referirme a esos pensamientos que nos hacen interpretar la realidad de una manera distorsionada. Las distorsiones cognitivas como en realidad se llaman, son perspectivas ficticias sobre nosotros o sobre el mundo que nos rodea. Son irracionales, pero con práctica y tiempo, aprendemos a creerlas y las reforzamos con “pruebas” que acumulamos usando filtros.

Empecemos por el cerebro

Desde el punto de vista neuro-científico, hoy sabemos que nuestros cerebros son adictos a las historias. Todo lo que vivimos, interpretamos y creemos lo conectamos a través de historias partes: comienzo, medio y final. Lo interesante es que cuando no tenemos una de esas partes, llenamos el espacio con partes de otras historias. Estas pueden ser basadas en eventos similares del pasado, o en eventos que no están relacionados para nada con la historia o idea. Puede ser completamente falsas. De cierta forma podemos decir que es en ese espacio, en esas historias que creamos , en los huecos para los que no tenemos suficiente información donde nacen las distorsiones cognitivas.

El cerebro tiende a establecer conexiones entre pensamientos, ideas, acciones y consecuencias. Esto sucede haya o no conexiones concretas o reales entre ellos. Por ejemplo, recuerdo que en Cuba, pensaba que si alguien me miraba la comida y esta se me caía al piso, no era culpa mía sino del que me la estaba mirando. Y todo aunque esta persona estuviera a más de tres metros de distancia. Apuesto a que si hay algún cubano leyendo esto se va a identificar con este ejemplo. Estoy segura lo vivió también. ☺️

Las distorsiones cognitivas son indiscretas y en muchas ocasiones van mano a mano con la depresión y la ansiedad. Son errores de interpretación y cuando no las chequeamos pueden prevenirnos de una vida saludable y satisfactoria.

Ejemplo de Distorciones Cognitivas

Indudablemente, todos hemos tenido o aún tenemos diferentes distorsiones cognitivas. Mire algunos ejemplos:

• Filtrar: Cuando nos enfocamos en lo negativo solamente y nos olvidamos de lo positivo
• Pensamientos polarizados: Cuando pensamos en extremos. Nada esta en el medio todo es o blanco o negro (ej. “La terapia de pareja no funciona”)
• Sobre generalizar: Asumimos que todas las experiencias y las personas son iguales. Todo basado en una experiencia que generalmente es negativa. Por ejemplo, “Va a pasar igual que la vez pasada, no te ilusiones”)
• Minimizar/magnificar: Cuando le restamos importancia a algo que lo merece/ le damos mucha importancia a algo que no tiene que ser importante.
  • Catastrofizar: Cuando asumimos que el peor de los casos es lo que va a pasar. Magnificamos lo negativo y minimizamos lo positivo (ej. “No tengo pareja y ya tengo 30 años, de seguro me muero soltera”)
  • Delirio: Cuando tenemos una idea fija la cual no cambiamos independientemente de tener evidencia para creer algo diferente (ej. “El calentamiento global no existe”)
• Personalizar: Cuando creemos que somos, al menos parcialmente responsables, por todo lo malo que pasa a nuestros alrededor. Las cosas malas solo nos pasan a nosotros en particular (ej. “Mi mama siempre esta nerviosa, estoy segura se le quita si ayudo mas en la casa.”)
• Saltar a conclusiones: Cuando nos convencemos de que algo es real sin tener evidencia para apoyar la idea (ej. “No le caigo bien a María” aunque nunca haya hablado con ella)
  • Leer la mente: Asumimos que sabemos lo que otros están pensando. Mas allá, lo creemos seriamente al punto de decidir nuestras acciones basado en esa creencia y sin corroborar nuestra teoría. Por ejemplo, “Sam piensa que soy fea, me va a decir que no quiere salir conmigo”
  • Predecir el futuro: Cuando asumimos el resultado de una experiencia sin tener evidencia al respecto
• Etiqueteo cognitivo: Cuando le damos a alguien o a algo una cualidad específica y permanente. No pensamos que la persona tiene la capacidad de cambiar y tener comportamientos diferentes (ej. “Paul no vale para nada” sin pensar que a lo mejor Paul ha madurado y cambiado)
• Culpar: Culpar a otros cuando buscamos la causa de algún evento negativo. En lugar de asumir la responsabilidad por lo que nos toca (El ejemplo de Cuba mencioné anteriormente)
• “Debería”: Constantemente chequeando y aplicando nuestras propias reglas personales al comportamiento de otros (ej. “Las madres siempre deberían estar contentas.”)
• Razonamiento emocional: Cuando creemos que porque lo sentimos, entonces debe ser cierto (ej. “Siento que no me amas, entonces quiere decir que no me amas”)
• Permanencia: Cuando asumimos que el estado emocional del presente va a ser permanente (ej. “Hoy estoy deprimido, seguro voy a estar deprimido por el resto de mi vida”)

Por supuesto esta lista no es extensiva. Solo pretendo proporcionales algunos ejemplos de distorsiones. Podemos identificar, retar e incluso eliminar nuestras distorsiones. Podemos, por ejemplo:

• someter nuestros pensamientos a juicio
• aprender la diferencia entre opiniones y los hechos reales
• podemos mantener un diario de nuestros pensamientos automáticos (especialmente si son negativos) ,etc.
• aprender a retar los pensamientos con preguntas como ¿Es completamente cierto?

De cualquier manera lo exhorto a que evalúe sus pensamientos de vez en cuando. Tenga en cuenta que usted tiene la habilidad de modificar la manera en la que piensa.

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